


Self Hatred is Contagious

by Fairylights_and_Stormynights



Series: You hate me but not as much as I hate myself [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Feelings, Light Angst, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 23:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11428281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fairylights_and_Stormynights/pseuds/Fairylights_and_Stormynights
Summary: Cas likes Dean, Dean likes Cas. It would be simple is they didn't have such bad self-esteem issues. Gabriel and Sam are tired of this shit.





	Self Hatred is Contagious

The bunker was deadly silent. The lights in the kitchen flickered and Dean didn’t know if it was the old wiring or Cas who was causing it. 

“I’m sorry, I think I misheard you. You want my memories?”

Cas looked at the ground sheepishly.

“Only the ones of me.” 

The awkwardness thickened the air in the room and you could pretty much cut the tension with a knife. 

“Only the ones of….Cas why would I ever say yes to this? Why are you even suggesting it?” Dean was angry now. He couldn’t tell if he was angry because of the suggestion, what was making Cas say this, what Cas was implying or if he was angry because tears were pricking his eyes. Cas snuck a glance up at him, blue eyes reproachful and sad. Dean blinked the tears away.

“I have realised...I have realised that my continued presence with you and your brother has done nothing but put you two in danger. And...And as Claire pointed out, I ruin all the lives I come across.” Cas stuttered. He was picking up on the tension in the room now as well and it had him uncomfortable.

“Ruin lives…” Dean parroted, “Cas you brought me back from the dead, you saved both me and Sam on multiple occasions, hell you even killed some of your dick siblings for us.” Dean’s voice was getting louder now and it was echoing off the bunker walls. 

“Yes, but without me, many of my ‘dick siblings’ wouldn’t even have attacked you. And when the order was given to raise you from hell any angel could have done it.” Cas’s voice was cracking and if Dean didn’t know any better then he might say Cas was close to tears.

“You rescued Sam from The Cage,”

“Soulless and an empty shell.”

“Cas, No, I’ll never let you take my memories of you. What brought this on? Why did you suddenly need to make me forget you.” Dean was almost shaking with rage, “And hey, as much as you might have done bad things, you're hardly the worst out of us. I broke the first seal and started the apocalypse, I killed death and set Amara free. Fuck I took on the Mark of Cain.” 

“Dean…”

“No let me finish, Sam drank demon blood, he broke the last seal, he was off with Ruby for God knows how long while I was in hell. Cas, your brother is shagging mine and if we’re being honest he’s the worst out of all of us, he killed me one hundred and three times and turned Sam into a car and made us live bad TV. Cas you may have done bad things but compared to Me or compared to Sam or compared to Gabe, you're a saint.”

“I broke many of the seals as well Dean,” Cas seemed to no longer be fighting off tears but the kitchen light was flickering even more. “And I opened Purgatory and killed many of my siblings.”

“Cas,” Dean’s gaze which had been boring into the top of Cas’s head softened. He stepped closer and with his hand, raised Cas’s head up so he his green eyes were looking into the blue ones. “No matter what bad things you’ve done, Me or Sam or Gabriel have done something equally worse. You’ve done things to forgive your actions and I don’t...” Dean’s voice broke and he struggled to talk past the lump in his throat. “I don’t know what I’d do or where I am without you. Cas.” Cas was looking at Dean without any prompting now. “What brought this on?”

“ I realised that you and your brother are reckless and impulsive and throw yourselves into danger whenever it suits you. And I realised that if you died. I would loose my most precious thing in this world, the same way Gabriel would if he lost Sam. The most perfect human my father ever created. And...And I would loose the one person I ever fell in love if who stayed by my side no matter what.” 

“Cas,”

“I realised that I love you too much Dean Winchester and that if you ever died it would break me and there would be nothing God or any of my siblings could do, that could stop me from bringing you back.” Cas’s eyes were even more fixated on Dean’s now and he was closer than ever. “I love you, Dean Winchester.” 

The declaration was loud and sure. There was no doubt in Dean’s mind that Cas could be meaning anything else or that he could be misinterpreting the words and the situation. And suddenly the whole situation was funny to Dean. He started smiling then it turned into bent over hysterics.

Cas just stood there while he watched Dean laugh. He stood there stoically until Dean looked up at him and stopped laughing.Castiel turned away, hurt that his affection was deemed so funny to Dean.

“Cas,” Dean said, slowly and clearly in a tone that made Cas turn around, “I think, I think that after all that you’ve done and all that we’ve been through.” Dean was choking on the words, “I think, God I’m such an asshole. Cas, what I’m trying to say is I love you too.”

There was nothing all that romantic about Dean confessing his feelings. It was blunt and self-deprecating at the same time and it made Castiel wonder how long Dean might have been feeling the same way. And with one stride Dean stepped closer to Cas and pulled him closer.  
They stood, chests touching and hearts aligned for some time just staring at each other. Then Dean slowly closed his eyes and lowered his lips onto Cas’s.

The kiss burned like fire and moved like water. Mouths fitting perfectly together and lips locking. There was no awkward bumping of noises or sloppy mouths. It was just Cas and Dean. The kiss continued for so long that Dean’s lips were turning blue when he finally pulled away. When he had pulled away, he spent only enough time to gulp down a few more breaths of air and press a look of utter devotion to Cas before he reconnected their mouths again.

The first kiss was like fire but the second was like coming home to a warm fire and comfy bed after a long day. It was perfect and the simple affection and intensity of it made Cas moan into Dean’s mouth. Dean took the chance to slip his tongue into Cas’s mouth and explore every corner. When he finally felt he need to pull away or he might just pass out, Cas nibbled on his lips and separated them. 

“I love you,” Castiel said it with sudden meaning and truth behind it that just the words made Dean moan and dive back to kiss Cas again. He peppered Cas’s face and lips and neck with small, longing kisses as he whispered a constant mantra of I love you’s down the body of the angel in his arms. Hands crept up under shirts and splayed across warm ribs and pulled the other even closer and flush against his chest. 

Cas’s moans filled the air and echoed through the room, you could probably hear it all over the bunker and Dean was glad that Sam was off with Gabriel. Cas’s hands rose to Dean’s hair and pulled, forcing the hunter up to his angel’s lips and mouth and they met each other with equal force. 

They kissed until Cas was just a moaning puddle lying in Dean’s arms and Dean was sucking a hickey into Cas’s pulse point, a constant reminder that he wasn't dead, no matter what had happened in the past that had tried to take Cas away from him.

Dean pushed Cas out the door and somehow navigated them back into his room, however, for the first time in his life. He didn’t want to have sex with Cas immediately. He wanted, oh he wanted. But that would make what they have seem cheap and easy and just like all the other relationship he had ever had. No, for now, he just wanted to hold Cas in his arms and never let go.

\----------

When he woke up Cas was gone. Dean had slept just as well as if Cas had put him under and didn’t ever notice him leaving. There was no note and no way of telling where Cas had gone. After searching the Bunker several times, Dean resigned himself to the fact that Cas was gone. He almost called Sam to get him and Gabriel to go help find Cas, but the sight of his younger brother with his angel boyfriend would sting even more that usual now that he knew Cas felt the same way. So Dean did what he always did whenever he felt like his life was going to Shit. He picked up his laptop and got into baby, and found a hunt. 

\-----------

The demon hissed at Dean as he ran the bastard trough with his blade. The blood of the other two demons that lay on the floor dead made the knife and his hand slick with blood. Dean hated this, he hated killing the demons so mercilessly and without any cause other than the fact that they were demons and he had found their hideout. It made him feel dirty and as if he was still infected by the Mark of Cain. But he hated the feeling of loss and the feeling of rejection more. So when the final demon fell to the ground, he cleaned his blade and walked back to baby. 

The past week had been non-stop hunting and Dean still hadn’t managed to chase away the hurt. He wasn’t answering his phone and from the voice mails that Sam had left and the one that Gabriel left, he was worrying his brother and his reluctant friend. 

As he drove back to the shitty motel, Dean wished that he and Cas had found out about their mutual feelings before he had fucked up their chance of ever having a relationship. He wondered what he did to screw himself over. 

\----------

When he woke next it was in his bedroom in the bunker. Sam was standing over him looking down with worry and from the sounds of it, Gabriel was arguing with Cas outside. Dean almost sang knowing Cas was so close. 

“You are incredibly stupid.” Sam was using the same tone that was usually accompanied by a bitchface and when Dean looked at his brother, he saw he was right.

“Your one to talk Mr I-better-throw-myself-under-the-bus-so-Gabriel-will-come-save-me.”

“Hey!” Sam flushed red,

“It was kinda sweet but aggravating, getting yourself hurt just so I would talk to you. Aggravating but sweet.” Gabriel’s teasing came from the doorway, and if Dean craned his neck, he could see Cas standing behind his brother looking worried. Sam’s blush deepened.

“It worked,” Sam said as he walked closer to his boyfriend and intertwined their hands together in a casual intermate gesture. 

“Yes, it did.”Gabriel was looking adoringly at Sam, “And on that note, Dean, you and Cas are going to sit in this room and talk about your feelings. I don’t care if you ‘don’t do chick-flick moments’ you two are going to talk before you become unbearable.”

“Yes,” Sam agreed, “Now have fun,” and he shoved Cas into the room and locked the door. 

“And don't even think about flying out Cas, Gabe has this place on lockdown.”

Once again, the tension could be cut with a knife as Cas looked at his lap as he sat at the end of Dean’s bed.

“I’m sorry Dean, I felt that you and our brothers might be better off without me.”

“Cas, look at me,” Dean coaxed Cas’s gaze up to his, “Whatever situation we’re in, I will always feel better with you at my side.” 

Cas froze up and then scooched closer to Dean.

“I feel the same way,” 

And for the second time in two weeks, their lips touched and everything was perfect. And Dean knew that they could stay like this forever. Fuck waiting he was taking his happy ending.


End file.
